Friday, November 10, 2006

Thirsty Thursday (Not the Original)

"ya'll know what this is..."

So last night after I finish my final I partake in a time old tradtion with the classmates that we know as Thirsty Thursdays. I was feeling generous so I brought everybody a round. We talk politics, women, and what not. So after about 4 rounds there I cut out. Now I don't recomend nor allow myself to drive home drunk or buzzed. So I stop by the school to use the facilites and I run into 2 former class mates.

Perfect I can kill some time and I chatted with them about all the happenings. Will looked like he lost madd weight but denies (Dude looked like he took the Subway diet). So I spend like 45 min before I hit 95. Great I'm feeling cool and calm and not restless like I just downed 4 beers. Its only like 9:30 and I don't feel like going home just yet. So I head down 95 and make it home safely and then begin my drunk dialing... I call erybody and nobody answers, not even my pops (yes, I drunk dial my dad). So I get somebody and its followed with the I'll call you right back line. I sit on my stoop and proceed to take the trash to the curb. I go inside and as I'm leaving my mama is exiting on her way to work. She gives me "what the hell is that smell stare?" and I kiss her forehead. I didn't stink but I probably smelled of a keg. So any hoot I sit at the computer checking my emails and the blog (no love except from cheez and jello, nicknames to protect the innocent). I get bored quickly so I grab my jacket and walk to my car. I decide I got to go to one of my favorite late night spots "Oh Thank Heaven". I get a bag of "Chilli Fritos" and an Mango Arizona Ice Tea (crack in 99 cent can). I dap up Abdul and roll out. As I'm exiting I see my co-worker Shannon and she invites me to Pan Tai.

Pan Tai is right in that area and right by my house so I think a perfect oppourtunity. I drop my car and walk back to the lounge. Its a restaraunt downstairs and an enlightened living room upstairs. It always looks like the place is jumping but its not its just small as all hell. I grab a Hiney from the bartender, say what's up to a few folk (Delaware is the size of your county) and I give the white DJ the nod of approval for his selection and he like beats his chest like we from the same hood (doubt it). So Pan Tai is a diverse group of folk... you got the white folk who still "Bust a Move" to Young MC and the ecclectic black folk who rock to Erica Badu, good mix, like VH1 soul (now thats that sh*t). And then theres the whiteboy who rocks out to Nelly and Young Jock daily. The DJ Plays 1st Key of Lil Wayne and Birdmans new CD which is one of my favorites off that joint (don't sleep cop now). I give him the nod of approval for his selection and he cheers me with his drink. That's how small this place is, the DJ and bartender are like 5 feet away from each other. So all the people who I called during my drunk dial period are calling back and I interlude to the balcony to speak briefly.

I come back in and kill the calamari we ordered (one of my favorite dishes). So its like 11:30 now and I'm on round 8 when we decide to leave so I take that Hiney to the head and we dip to the next spot. Totally different crowd. It was like walking into Suburb town, america high school renunion. It was like the people who were in college in 198something. So I see some of white boys from highschool and just like I was suprised I was there they were suprised I was in there too. So I greet and get my next Hiney (9) and I got a tab open. I walk by this DJ booth totally different attitude. First off he was sitting down and In my mind: Is this guy as lazy as his eys? (Dear Lord baby Jesus pelase forgive me). But He played Luda's Shake Ya Money Maker followed by Boy Geroge...not feeling the DJ. (10) I catch back up to the people I came in with and Shannon offers me $20 to dance to this song. I don't an incentive to cut the rug so I go out there, I'm so drunk I don't even know what song was playing. I stand around and recognize no movement is a bad move so I move over to the bar. I try to get the bartender's attention but he's mad busy and the other Fcuker pays me no mind. So I finally do (11) and this lady nudges me. I assume she needs space so I move.

She slurs: "How U doing?" and I reply great thanks how bout yourself. Now I'm used to drunken white women hitting on me at the restaurant but this lady was all over herself. She then goes "hOw OlD RU?" I shoot back 23 and she says shes 35. So I motion to get up but she wants company so I give it to her and entertain the town drunk.She then ask "What you doing here?" ( Like it was whites only night). Told her about my friends and she ask if it was my girlfirend. I should have said yes but this lady ws to funny to let go so soon. So her names Dawn and she says she has twins. She Then grabs her enourmous Boobs and says not these tho. I dribble my beer out with laughter and she repeats herslef like 30x about stuff we already talked about. She ask about my wife and I tell her shes at the alter in 201... waiting for me, she laughs.

She then ask me to dance... I like the song (Ridin Dirty) so I comply. But before I go (12). Anyway she introduces me to everybody on the dance floor and I'm thinking this b*tch knows everybody here. So the song ends and some rock crap comes on, so I sit down. She follows and I thought this was the end of my Dawn Escapade but it wasn't. She then ask for my number and what I do, I ignore the first question like it didn't happen and she asks again so I say 911-3434 and she probably call it. She then says that shes been with Black Guys and I say thats nice. Now I wasn't the only brother in the place, there were a few token's looking to get into massa's big house (that was joke and Jesus knows that) but yea they wanted to play Chain the massa's wife to the bed (Imma stop) so I knew I wasn't alone but why me. So how can you tell someone's racist? They can name all the black people they know and not think twice. She started blurt out how her nanny was black and was like her second mother (now I just picture Whoopi Goldberg in Sabrina Sabrina or wahtever that movie was). I ge bored and she ask for a kiss. I don't want to catch anything so I settle for a hug but she sneaks a kiss on the cheek. I think ewww rabbies but I don't wipe it until I get outside for respect of embarassing this lady. She then says what type of crap is that and I tap my friend to interject.

She grabs me asking for my lighter. She know I don't smike but that was a slick move.

Todays quote:"I invented the internet". - Al Gore, former U.S. Vice President

Take it Easy, the original was better but the comp was acting up so this ones not to bad.

Rip Ed Bradley KAPsi Chapter Invisible

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Your Mother's An Astronaut....

Que Pasa Homies and Homettes

And if she is, you should be damn proud!! I never got that part of White Men Can't Jump... If my moms was an astronaut that would be a good thing in my book. Just think she works for NASA and gets to go to Jupiter and gets paid. But in my opinion NASA should be a bunch of pot-heads who tell me stuff that I don't need to know. All you ever hear NASA talk about is "You know that oxygen was found on Mars." What the fizuck? That is irrelevant man... Katrina kicked my peoples a**es, my peers are over in Iraq, and my little sister is almost 6 foot tall and you talking bout Mars. I'm far from political but doesn't NASA get a $1 billion/month to experiment? Unless Uranus has a cure for aids (no pun intended) then please shut the hell up.

There's no paticular reason for this but I just felt like rambling and that line is hilarious. He should have said your Mother's a janitor who wears underwear with the penis hole in 'em. Then that fool could have gotten mad for real. If I was playing ball and nucca came at me with some stuff I'd be like thanks man and she just got back from Pluto.

Another thing that bothers me at the current moment is the stereotype of the black man. My brothers bond and out, do you still think it's hard in America for us? Last night I was in Philly for class and I was out by 7-11, there are two stories I'm going to talk about , and one is not relevant to this topic happened. First before I go to class I usually stop by 7-11 and get a snack to hold me over for the boring lectures... So as usual I was walking and its dark and Philly is Philly and you have to be aware of your surroundings. These two "women" approach and see me, immediately pick up their pace and clutch each other, eyeballing me like I was just on America's Most Wanted. Now I had the fresh gear, of course, equipped with a hoodie to keep my head war cause it was cold. In my mind I was thinking: "The way your dressed you should be robbing me, cheap scaliwags. " I wasn't offended but it amused me and got me thru class knowing that an educated black man is still America's biggest fear.

Then there were these two punk rockers?(think Marylin Manson and Another Makeup wearing freak) One was sitting outside waiting for something and the other was in the store and even passed the guy walking in. So Punk Rocker #1 (PR#1, Disclaimer In no way does PR # 1 or #2 refer to the beautiful women and hilarious men of Puerto Rico) pays for his stuff and exits the store. I'm like 2 people back in line and Punk Rocker #2 got up from his post. Its dark once you walk around the corner towards the dumpster so I'm assuming that's where he was. PR#1 runs like helpless sissy to the window and begins to bang. He automatically assumes that the clerk is going to call for help or come outside. I laugh and think: "What a bitch?" So I exit the store and PR #2 is chasing PR# 1. He starts walking next to me like I was his bodyguard but I ain't pay him no mind. If PR #2 said something slick I would have guitar slammed his a** in to the concrete but he didn't and started yelling like those songs that you can't make out and then threw up some sort of rock on symbol. I was confused because there was nothing but air and opportunity between the two of them. Hilarious.

Anyways the recipe of the Week is on its way... Just got one more test then I plan on putting up my ideas and others. Stay blessed and remember that "there is no I in team but there is a meat, and meat can turn into a meat pie and there is definitely a I in pie."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Kids Are Bad

Aloha (Hello)

I was sitting here thinking of all the bad a** kids I know... That's a lot. I mentor a kid, he claims he isn't bad but he got the least amount of gold stars in the school. Not the class, the school people! I am the only mentor in the school, but how is it the baddest kid? I coach football... these kids started off bad not listening, disrespectful, and arrogant. It was like gridiron gang or something. Some of the kids have a house arrest transmitter on their ankles and others think I'm they boy and can talk to me like we that cool. They have finally realized that they can't play football and started showing some respect. They have 3 straight going in to the playoffs.

My little sister is bad but not on her way to the Children's Correctional Facility. We were bad when we were kids but damn. So this brings me to today's story... On Monday I pick up my mentee in the afternoons. He goes to an all boys’ school for free and it’s really a better opportunity to get into any high school in the state. My job is simple... I think it’s to be a black male role model that has similar steps that his life has taken? I don't know what I'm doing that’s a good question tho. Anyway I pick up get the daily report and we go up to the mall to trade in his games and get him a new pair of shoes. The principal tells me he pulled over and helped some guy that got shot down the street. He's in the church so that's his obligation, and he asked me if I would stop and no kidding I said, "hell nah." Forgive me Jesus for disrespecting you and him.

Anyway Before we leave Brother Ed (the principal, Bred) comes out and tells some kids to get off the hill outside of the hill because 1) its private property and 2) they could hurt themselves. They all look up and one lil’ bastard (Yeah I said it...) (Shout out to Leon) yells... "Shut yo' white ass up!" Now this mckie fickie had the nerve to stop and stare. Okay Bred is white as a grain of rice covered in whiteout in a snowstorm but damn. The lil n*gga could have acted like he was walking home and then came back (what we would have done when we kids) but stood there like he wanted to throw hands. Bred laughed it off and my mentee and I laughed and he was like "I could whoop all those kids." He probably could because he's like 5'8 in the 6th grade.

I told him not much talking was done with the mouth but with our hands when we were kids (I felt like pops in Friday when he was telling Craig about boxing and surviving without a gun). He then hit with the rebuttal "Everybody got a gun nowadays." That’s so true so I'm going to take Bred's method of peace and laugh it off.

In closing some parents, none that read this blog, need to choke slam they kids sometimes. I'm all against child abuse but when you step out of line that's not child abuse its "LNGW" or a "Lil N*igga Getting Whooped." I'm passing around the donation basket at church next weekend for this marvelous foundation and you should do the same. The logo is a picture of your grandma with a Rollin pin in her hands and a bandanna wrapped around her head.

Aloha (Goodbye) Stay Blessed

"I will kick your kids a** for a fee of $5." --Jean Claude Van Dam

Salute of the Week: The Joke Bandit

"step back and catch my amazing graces..."

So here we go again, as I look for some consistency with the blog I bring you the second installation of "Salute of the Week". So without further ado, I would like to salute the Joke bandit. You know who you are the mofo who steals other peoples jokes and then when you repeat them you mess the whole damn thing up. Now I take a joke from people all the time (I did it yesterday) but you rehearse the joke so one you don't mess it up and two it's actually funny. Somebody at the restaurant was telling a joke in the private dining room. I was in there filling glasses with water and dude was trying to tell a joke. Maybe he was nervous or maybe he knew his joke was crap. Because hearing crickets at the end of the joke is one of the saddest American tragedies yet.

Dude had erybodies attention in the room and was sweating like a pig at a luau. In my mind: Get your bearings man, your embarassing yourself. Then the moment of truth the punchline and I just didn't hear crickets I think I heard a hearbeat, a pin drop, and a humming bird outside the window (Shout out to Ray Charles). Guy was God awful but he laughed and hit everybody with the "Oh, man" and nudging the guy next to him. He was then given the pity laugh with some eyes rolling and snickering. I think it was a group dinner party with him being the blind date to another girl. She left at one point and used the phone saying she wanted to leave. Classic. Plus it's not like public speaking man, your surronded by a couple of drunks. So Mr. or Mrs. Joke Bandit give it up until you get it right and with that I Salute you.

Joke For Dat A*s:

There was an octupus who was an amazing musican who was challenged by all types of people. So a lady brings in a guitar and the octupus fiddles with it for a few seconds puts it in tune and jams out like Santana. This guy brings in a trumpet figures out how to do it and jams like a true Miles Davis. So then this Scottish guy brings in bag pipes and he fiddles with it and looks at it and just can't figure it out... So after like two hours the Scottish guy stands up and says I got you didn't I... The octupus says no I've been trying to f*ck her for the past 2 hours. Corny but you know that's funny...


One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shutup. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so hewent to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when hemet a policeman.
The policeman said, "What is your name?""Shut up!"The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?""Yes!"The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?""In the toilet."

"this courtroom sure is cold, can I get my gloves back..." OJ Simpson.

Recipie on the way, paitence grasshoppers.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I Salute You: Salute of the Week

What a static filled week. Its only three days but still... Anyways let me start off by saying I hope you vote today!

Well the title is self-explanatory. Each week from now on instead of a possible quote I want to give a salute of the week. Those commercials that say, " We Salute you Mr. Janitor who cleans the stalls..." or whatever has inspired these posts.

First up: Mr. and Mrs. Irrelevant Tattoo:

Now must of us know somebody or know somebody that knows somebody who has a lame a** tattoo. Okay examples of lame tattoos are the generic one you find on the wall and say: "I want that one" Plain and simple the barb wire around the bicep, the butterfly above the vagina, the Chinese symbol on the left arm and the Hawaiian symbol on the lower back are tired and have no originality. When I say originality have the artist put a twist to it. The mofo can draw, hopefully.

Okay the barbwire is all too cliché. It is typical for the muscle head in the weight room to bare this tattoo. Why? What the hell does that mean. Do you automatically become tough when you put this tattoo on. Or maybe its a secret society of men who climb fences and try to grab the wire purposely. Lame a**es.

Now the butterfly above the vagina. Like be butterflies die in three days. Is that describing our relationship? More than likely because what does this lame a** 3 day old creature mean. Are you telling the world that you and another 1 million college "females" are caterpillars who broke the mold and grew? No you’re just saying “I have no real artistic side so I saw this chick at the beach who had this same tattoo and it looked good on her”. That jus opened your inner lesbianism and the butterfly turns into a eagle after years of drinking and birth control.

The Chinese symbol. Now that's too easy. Do you speak let alone write Chinese? Probably not, you’re a typical American who doesn't learn anything outside of any town, USA... Be real, now you wonder why the dry cleaning man laughs at you when you wear your wife beater to drop off clothes.... You think: Wisdom He reads: Dumb retard that rode the short bus. You ever watch a kung fu flick? They say like forty words when the subtitle says "the goat was good". Think that symbol means a mythological story of an ex ruler who took it up the butt.

My favorite has to be the best because it will tell a story to your grandchildren... Grandma was a freak. The lower back with a bulls eye mark is another symbol or something that has no specific meaning. The Hawaiian symbol was a good example but be real it usually a rose, zodiac sign (be more creative), or a heart with your name. Personally reading material is not needed when having sex, if you know what I mean ;-) but yea its a good defining way to prove you got them draws.

So in the long run add a twist to your tats... I have the utmost security that no one has my 4 current and 4 future tats and if they do they are of an elite class.
So I salute you Mr. And Mrs. Irrelevant tattoo.
Bonus: the paw prints. Did a cub rape you?

Peace up Alabama Down.

Monday, November 06, 2006

I am Not a Damn Embarassment

Salutations... This weekend was crazy as usual and there's always something that I got to talk about. Well yesterday I was chillen' watching the game and my pops called me talking some crazy junk about how he was stuck and needed my help getting his car out. Whenever there is a family memebr in trouble or a friend I never hesitate to jump to their assitance. So my dad called about... lets say 30x before I got to where he was.

I get there and I look at his car with amazement... I was puzzled. Okay imagine a curb with dirt on one side and pavement on the other. I guess you can call it an unpaved shoulder or sidewalk. I don't know but my pops drove half way down this thing and got the car stuck on top of the curb.His excuse was the sun, my reasoning was "you can't drive."I was amazed that he made it that far but I immeaditely thought: "What was this n*igga doing?" I never called pops that but It was that type of moment.

My little sister jumped out and said : "I'm alive I'm alive." Like she was in a traumatizing event. That was funny in itself. I stood there puzzeled like why you call me instead of a tow truck company. So he came up with this bright idea (probably his Jamican voodoo or something) of me lining my bumper with his and pushing him off the curb. Another: "N*gga what?" moment, then I complied beacuse it was his car. So I did as he wished and the car didn't budge. In my mind: "I knew that s*hit wasn't going to work."

So he called triple A and called a tow truck company. So being the hero I am, I took my little sister to her birthday party or whatever the hell that was at an ice skating rink. Now as you probably already know I was the only 'brother' there. I looked like a lazy a** degenerate that does nothing productive daily and shouldn't have been out in public. That's all my little sister needs for the other parents to see her under dressed criminal looking brother at her birthday party.

So she asked me loud and clear : "Can you skate with me?" With that face I would rob a bank...(Please note that she would never ask me to rob a bank but if she did I would). So I coughed up the five dollars and got a rental. Now I rushed out of the house and didn't put on any socks. My mama has taught me all too well two things... "Always have socks and keep your underwear clean because you don't want the ambulance to see you like that." Unlike the bowling alley and the roller rink there are no socks for purchase or to have. Because they don't expect their "suburbanites" to come out with out them. Oh, I was expecting to be ice skating yesterday It was my number one event planned for the weekend. Yeah so I went barefoot, they were clean, I took a shower.

The rental lady was pleasant and plump and told me to lace 'em up. Now I roller skated when I was younger, that's all you could do at age 12 on a Saturday night and once in college at a party my team mates broke up, but this junk felt anything but wood. Now I see why brothers are limited in the NHL and there's like 1 figure skater that looks like she could hold a beat (if you know what I mean). So as soon as I get the skates on, adult ski only... word, less people but everybody is looking at my non-skating a**. First try is like walking for the first time... little bit of movement, timber. And instead of a new born tree this was like a major evergreen. I'm tough tho, it didn't hurt. So i got back up and tried again.

This one jerkoff parent did this Kristi Yamazuke spin in front of me to show off. What a wang, you think your daughter is proud that her daddy can out skate Nancy Kerrigan. Wait til she gets older and your still doing that stuff, bilimia, piercings and a Mexican boyfriend named Ricoare soon to follow because of her hyper father. So this other guy rolls by or skates by... and wheeeees and laughs at me... gay mofo. The other moms saw me fall and were like are you okay. They grabbed my hand but I urged them to let go because one tree falling is better than three. So they did and skated off like pros. See I've never been to a white kids birthday party. Its seems alot better than pizza hut or chucky cheese. The parents seem so pleasent and chipper. So I pass my little sister and she looks me dead in the eye and says " Stop!" I was like damn what I do.

Now they set the kids free and I was like Awwwww Sh*t. More people = More trouble for me. And some of these kids were worse than me falling hard as hell. So I made it around and my little sister was like " Stop, get off, your embarrasing me!" I was like damn what I do, then I thought no one knows we're together, go head about your business, midget. So I made 1 1/2 trips around without falling and was quite proud. So I took a seat and watched everyone else buss they a**es. It was comedy, should have taken pictures but didn't want to be extra.

In closing, let me say this skating thing got's me motivated to learn how to do it... I have a new found respect for white guys with no teeth that slap around a black puck. Also for women who wear skankalicious clothing on the ice and gay men who have a reason to wear glittered clothing in public. Its quite admirable, that junk is hard. But I'm kind of old to be trying something that requires skill like that. If I was in Highschool I would call MTV and be on Made or soemthing because no one expects that. Well that was a good expierement, My ankles are sore as hell too. I'll leave the hockey watching to drunk rednecks and figure skating fans to people who drink coco and wear turtle necks.

Chunk up the deuce.