Thursday, November 16, 2006

Chronicles of a Hotdog Cart Owner Part 1

"in one way or the other, I'm a bad brother, word to the motherf*cker..." Easy E

Whaddup? For those of you who don't know I am well defined specimen but besides that I own a hotdog cart. That was my means of income for 6 months between July and Novemeber in 2005. That's right I owned a cart. Don't Hate! There were a lot of characters that came by and there were a lot of people who'd give dumba*s advice. So I picked 2 stories that I want to share with you now.

No Pets Please:

Story #1 :
I was located by the hospital, right across the street as suggestion from my mother due to lack of food vendors in the area. The cafeteria was really the only place to go and the food was to expensive. So oppourtunity is the first thing a business man has to recognize and capitolize on that. So I got my spot and made decent money.

There was this paticular day where it was hot as all hell but this older lady strolled up to the cart and she had on a trench coat. A long a*s trench coat that was not necessary for that day. She had a laundry cart that carried a bag and a dog. So she started asking questions being nosey like old white people do and I answer majority of her questions. One of her questions was about what school I went to? I hit her back with Hampton Universtiy and she looks taken back like "what the f*ck" look. And She asks just like this "So your not a highschool drop out?" What in the world does that mean. Why I got to be all that? So I say nah and kind of laugh it off.

She then talks about how people think your a highschool dropout when you drive by. In my mind: Do people have that much time to analyze or over analyze the situation and think that I am highschool dropout? Hell nah! So she goes back and forth asking questions like the cart history and where I'm from and crap like that. She tells me she wants another plain dog with nothing on it and I charge the same for the bunless dog. She then breaks it up and gives it to her dog. She Then pops her trench coat collar puts on some big old cataracts shades and tightens her hat down. Now that neighborhood is worst now then it was then so maybe she was a psychic because she starts talking bout the shooting range and how this neighborhood is going to get worse. She then opens up her trench coat and reveals a 9mm! I thought she turned creepy and was about to pull a Pee Wee Herman but thank God it was a gun. I couldn't have taken old saggy boobies that early in the morning. She starts rambling on how she packs her gun and goes to the range to shoot everyonce in a while.

That was the last thing I thought she would whip out, bootleg dvds, gold watches, sausage links, her boobs, not a gun. She could have capped me and took off wit $200. She could have bussed a cap in my a*s. Crazy

Story #2:

So as usual I'm sitting on my crate waiting for customers and this paticular day some big n*gga rolls up with his pitbull and orders"6 dogs, 4 with out the buns" In my mind: How yo big a*s gonna order more food for the dog than your self? So I charge him the regular and that mofo scarfs down his two and the dog takes his like they was racing. He then orders another one realizing that he was a big n*gga and junk (like 6'6, 330). Enhales that one and I'm like Chris Tucker in Friday on his a*s: DAMN!!! This is like 2 minutes passed and I've seen 7 dogs disappear with no problem. Dude hardly says anything, he chunks up the duece and disolves into downtown Wilmington. That was like some Kobayashi junk.

Later that day this lady rolls up and has a dog too. She orders 2 for herself and 1 for her dog. It was a golden retriever and looked frail as hell. She then commands it to sit. She pays and walks over to the edge of the parking lot. I assume that she went to sit down and feed the dog but after a few customers come by (5 minutes later) she still hasn't given the dog the hotdog. I'm confused then you hear this erupting noise of "Sit down" "You better knock it off" and "What is your problem." In my mind: I don't think he understands you lady. Poor f*cking dog, doesn't have a chance of normalcy or just being a dog with his/her owner being a bitch. I shook my head and I think I went back to reading my book. I should have called animal rights but then I was like he'll probably bite her oneday cuz the dog will turn into a dog...

So the dog thing can be weird but shouldn't be that weird. People are funny but people with dogs are even funnier. Its like some people treat their dogs like humans... Maybe if they take some sngel dust then the dog will talk back. That would trip them out?

"can i borrow a couple of dollars..." Wesley Snipes

Maintain and my advice for the day: "they always looks better after a few drinks."

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

ib's 5 Major Differences

"I know Jesus saves my sins so why not blow dro why not sip segram's gin...." Jody Breeze

Now since moving back to Delaware from Virginia I've had 2 different groups of people I hang out with. And I've observed differneces that are signifigant and things that we all have in common. So society is broken into all different types of categories. So coming from a HBCU and moving back to Delaware you definately see the differences. The HBCU I was all over the place... back here in good old Delaware you got Trolley Square (Think Ft. Lauderdale with Bilimia).

So I bring you 5 big differces I have seen between my black friends and my white friends. (*In no way am I racist, I don't like anybody!)


My white friends will grab a keg for a house party and maybe one bottle to take shots = $80.
My black friends will buy 3 bottles of lica' (Preferably yac) and think everybody's happy=$120.
My white friends will buy me drinks until I can't walk straight.
My black friends only reach for their wallets to get their ID's out.
My white friends will think of drinking games like flip cups, kings of the cups, or beer pong (that's that sh*t).
My black friends will just challenge you with shot after shot... no creativity what so ever.

Edge: White Folk.

#2.Reality TV...
White folk got the bachelor
Black folk got the connery we call Flavor of love.
(Church: Now the ladies from the bachelor get roses to move on compared to an ovesized clock with a glamour shot on the inside, The bachelor gets a guy who is sucessful in his industry and FOL gets a washed up rapper who hasn't seen chapstick since Fight the Power. The bachelor gets educated women who hold a conversation about politics and have good a*s jobs, FOL gets hoodrat Wanifa who gets her name turned to Skrummpshush and talks about her $900 weave)
White folk got the Apprentice, Donald Trump and business savy folks.
Black folk got the Ultimate Hustler, Dame Dash and a bunch of intern rejects.
(Church: Now the Donald is madd annoying but his show is crack, on the other hand Dame Dash makes his points and personifies the qualities of a hustler but his attitude is lame, dude ain't done nothing major since Jay left. Donald trump gives challeges like Marketing for Johnson&Johnson. Dame Dash has them run around the city like interns picking up magazines. You're fired vs. Life is in the Dash, Trump has his kids and that old man and the frigid looking chick as his advice, Dash has Biggs. Trump always talks about how important something is to business, Dame will hit you with pause, no homo clause erytime.)

Edge: Push (FOL wins erytime.... WoWWWWWWWWWWWWWW but Trump clearly whoops Dame when it comes to the big deals)

#3.@ the Club...

White people dance to every song that gets played.
Black people only dance to the songs they know.
White people leave the club like they left the iron on at home.
Black people stay at the club like there's a free fried chicken give away at 3:30.
White people bring 1 other friend
Black people travel in packs that outnumber the seats in the car.
White people actually dance
Black people (dudes) look at other n*ggas in the club

Edge: Push... the Drinks come into hand with the white folk but the black women, nuff said.

#4. Childhood activities...

White people rode horses
Black people have big wheels up until the age of 13.
White people ice skate at nice rinks.
Black people roller skate down the street and yell: CAR!
White people play orginized activities on a court, field etc.
Black people hook a crate to a telephone pole and play tackle football on the street.
White people play house, tea party, pirates, capture the flag, clubhouse and school.
Black people play It, red light green light, red rover red rover, and freeze tag.

Edge: Black Folk, forget those games, it was that sh*t

#5. Freshness...
White folk will wear the dingiest asics in the closet that they done had for 3 years.
Black folk will go get the limited edition Jordan's for $135 ery week they come out.
White folk will wear the same shirt 3 days in a row.
Black folk will go shopping 3 days out the week just to have something new.
White folk will share clothes with the BFF's
Black folk rather donate their clothes then let they boy rock it harder than them.

Edge:Black folk.... your shoes show how much you take care of your lifestyle because your feet are always on the ground.

So whats the score: 2:1:2 is black:white:push. So who wins... no one because you usually miss out on a classic night or day or show f*cking wit the other one.

"I read your blog everyday..." Nia Long

Keep God first and this blog second. Stay Blessed.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Salute of the Week: Joke Bandit

"step back and catch my amazing graces..."

So here we go again, as I look for some consistency with the blog I bring you the second installation of "Salute of the Week". So without further ado, I would like to salute the Joke bandit. You know who you are the mofo who steals other peoples jokes and then when you repeat them you mess the whole damn thing up. Now I take a joke from people all the time (I did it yesterday) but you rehearse the joke so one you don't mess it up and two it's actually funny. Somebody at the restaurant was telling a joke in the private dining room. I was in there filling glasses with water and dude was trying to tell a joke. Maybe he was nervous or maybe he knew his joke was crap. Because hearing crickets at the end of the joke is one of the saddest American tragedies yet.

Dude had erybodies attention in the room and was sweating like a pig at a luau. In my mind: Get your bearings man, your embarassing yourself. Then the moment of truth the punchline and I just didn't hear crickets I think I heard a hearbeat, a pin drop, and a humming bird outside the window (Shout out to Ray Charles). Guy was God awful but he laughed and hit everybody with the "Oh, man" and nudging the guy next to him. He was then given the pity laugh with some eyes rolling and snickering. I think it was a group dinner party with him being the blind date to another girl. She left at one point and used the phone saying she wanted to leave. Classic. Plus it's not like public speaking man, your surronded by a couple of drunks. So Mr. or Mrs. Joke Bandit give it up until you get it right and with that I Salute you.

Joke For Dat A*s:

There was an octupus who was an amazing musican who was challenged by all types of people. So a lady brings in a guitar and the octupus fiddles with it for a few seconds puts it in tune and jams out like Santana. This guy brings in a trumpet figures out how to do it and jams like a true Miles Davis. So then this Scottish guy brings in bag pipes and he fiddles with it and looks at it and just can't figure it out... So after like two hours the Scottish guy stands up and says I got you didn't I... The octupus says no I've been trying to f*ck her for the past 2 hours.


One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shutup. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so hewent to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when hemet a policeman.
The policeman said, "What is your name?""Shut up!"The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?""Yes!"The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?""In the toilet."

"it sure is cold in this courtroom, can I have my gloves back..." OJ Simpson

Recipie of the week coming soon... paitence grasshoppers.

Stay Blessed

Monday, November 13, 2006

I Needed That

"you either slinging crack rock or you got a wicked jump shot..." Notourious B.I.G

So this pass weekend was crazy... it started off with the thirsty Thursday entry and contined the madness Friday and Saturday Night.

Well Friday I got off work (as usual) and went looking for my pops. He said he was going to be a at a restaraunt late night after a concert he went to. So I get there and its little Jamaican men drinking wine talking sh*t about everything. They were all dressed like hustlers. It was like I walked into the Jamaican Mafia meeting. So I had a glass of Jamaican wine (No such thing but it made me feel extra Jamaican sitting in the Jamaican restaurant and drinking merlot) and hit the Ave. So I go down the street to this charity event a friend one of my friends from high school is having. As usual no one's there because I'm the only one who works 20 jobs. So I make my donantion and sit on the couch, drink, and watch sports center. Some people return and we have our regular conversations of "Remember this..." and "I saw that thing..." crapola.

I get home probably at like 4:30 and get an hour of sleep because I awoken by my phone. Crack my eye to se who it is. Its a lady from my culinary class. I immeadiatley know this is going to be bad. I know her husband so thats my first thought so dude doesn't kick in my door with a gun or no gun and gets his a*s molliwhoped. So shes says hes in the hospitol. In my mind: B*tch why you ain't there? She says shes tired of him and things are going bad and he advised her to call me because out of our class I'm the only one he trust. Basically there are a couple of creepy people who are in our class. I have wondering eyes but I stare with discretion. Those dudes make it obvious that there looking at boobs and want to do something with them (straight on some old myspace predator junk).

So we are talking and I spill like Usher's confessions of my life and crap. She does the same and even tells me that her Husband knows of her year old extra-marital affair (this mofo is still with her? chick would have hit the curb so hard her grandmother's a*s would hurt). So I drunk and my mouth is loose as hell as she ask about what people say about her. The main reason why I did it was to see if there was some dirt people talk on me. Minimal and usually stuff I knew. So she hits these high pitch breaths of shock everytime she hears something that surprises her. Half the school wants her and when we go to France let me just say the place may turn in to Vegas.

So Saturday I do the same and continue my drinking after work. I go to 1717 (classy name, unclassy people) and then followed by Pan Tai for last call. So I get there and one of bosses is there with the girls from Thurday night and the bartender, Brian. We drink and I immeadiatley get bored with the "Baby and Mariage talk..." Brian and I talk about surfing (don't ask) and swimming with sharks (I swim like I ice skate, only when I have to but this cat surfs and is real animated with his actions). So we're leaving and as usual when in Delaware you want to do something afterwards. I had a half bottle of wine but didn't want to share so 3 of us went back to Reema's crib and play a board game. That was the decsion but the BORED game never got started. Brian's cussing his girlfriend out on the phone and Reema continues her talk about marriage and Brian interjects like don't ever get married!(He's divorced and even said that he would kill his ex-wife if he saw her).

*If he does decide to kill his ex-wife and they bring this to evidence, I just want to say that his premditated crime did not involve me.

So I ready to leave and Brian, I'm thinking, is trying to get some from Reema. I could care less so I take my half-drunk ass home and go to sleep. Its like 4 something, I get like 3 hours of sleep and my phone rings (don't recognize, leave a message)... Rings again, I hit ignore, Again... ignore....Again....ignore... What the motherf*ck is going on. So I answer and this lady is like, "Hi Ian, its Nikki." I started thinking like I haven't gave my number to no Nikki and no girl I've met out in like 2 days (inside joke). She goes on this tirade about Brian not coming home and junk and asking me where I'm at. Supposedly he told her I was with him...So she asks for the adress and I say I'm not at liberty to rlease that information (like I'm a news reporter or something). So I hang up and she keeps calling back (crazy). See I know you thinking turn off your phone but I need it just in case my kids call needing a ride.

So I answer and shes all pleasant but at the same time you can hear her anger. I know this crazy heffer won't give it up so I reliquish the info and hang up to call and give warning shots. No one answers so I go about my day.

I get 3 phone calls and ery body is asking what happened. I tell em and Reema says it was cool and Meg makes sure everything is cool. So supposed she busted into Reema's apartment looking for Brian who was still sleeping.... Mofo probably just wanted to get away from that crazy chick. Reema is all worried about having the chick bust her door down in the future but unless you feel or are guilty she has no reason to.

Long story short some people need help mentally and physically cuz if he talk to her like a real person she wouldn't been so agressive to finding him and physically she just needs the most beautiful thing in the world... SEX! my advic put her a*s to sleep and then she can't be mad.

"George Bush doesn't like black people..." Kanye West

Recipie will be here shortly. Stay Blessed and Remember that when you take a shower don't wear your clothes.