I am Not a Damn Embarassment

Salutations... This weekend was crazy as usual and there's always something that I got to talk about. Well yesterday I was chillen' watching the game and my pops called me talking some crazy junk about how he was stuck and needed my help getting his car out. Whenever there is a family memebr in trouble or a friend I never hesitate to jump to their assitance. So my dad called about... lets say 30x before I got to where he was.

I get there and I look at his car with amazement... I was puzzled. Okay imagine a curb with dirt on one side and pavement on the other. I guess you can call it an unpaved shoulder or sidewalk. I don't know but my pops drove half way down this thing and got the car stuck on top of the curb.His excuse was the sun, my reasoning was "you can't drive."I was amazed that he made it that far but I immeaditely thought: "What was this n*igga doing?" I never called pops that but It was that type of moment.

My little sister jumped out and said : "I'm alive I'm alive." Like she was in a traumatizing event. That was funny in itself. I stood there puzzeled like why you call me instead of a tow truck company. So he came up with this bright idea (probably his Jamican voodoo or something) of me lining my bumper with his and pushing him off the curb. Another: "N*gga what?" moment, then I complied beacuse it was his car. So I did as he wished and the car didn't budge. In my mind: "I knew that s*hit wasn't going to work."

So he called triple A and called a tow truck company. So being the hero I am, I took my little sister to her birthday party or whatever the hell that was at an ice skating rink. Now as you probably already know I was the only 'brother' there. I looked like a lazy a** degenerate that does nothing productive daily and shouldn't have been out in public. That's all my little sister needs for the other parents to see her under dressed criminal looking brother at her birthday party.

So she asked me loud and clear : "Can you skate with me?" With that face I would rob a bank...(Please note that she would never ask me to rob a bank but if she did I would). So I coughed up the five dollars and got a rental. Now I rushed out of the house and didn't put on any socks. My mama has taught me all too well two things... "Always have socks and keep your underwear clean because you don't want the ambulance to see you like that." Unlike the bowling alley and the roller rink there are no socks for purchase or to have. Because they don't expect their "suburbanites" to come out with out them. Oh, I was expecting to be ice skating yesterday It was my number one event planned for the weekend. Yeah so I went barefoot, they were clean, I took a shower.

The rental lady was pleasant and plump and told me to lace 'em up. Now I roller skated when I was younger, that's all you could do at age 12 on a Saturday night and once in college at a party my team mates broke up, but this junk felt anything but wood. Now I see why brothers are limited in the NHL and there's like 1 figure skater that looks like she could hold a beat (if you know what I mean). So as soon as I get the skates on, adult ski only... word, less people but everybody is looking at my non-skating a**. First try is like walking for the first time... little bit of movement, timber. And instead of a new born tree this was like a major evergreen. I'm tough tho, it didn't hurt. So i got back up and tried again.

This one jerkoff parent did this Kristi Yamazuke spin in front of me to show off. What a wang, you think your daughter is proud that her daddy can out skate Nancy Kerrigan. Wait til she gets older and your still doing that stuff, bilimia, piercings and a Mexican boyfriend named Ricoare soon to follow because of her hyper father. So this other guy rolls by or skates by... and wheeeees and laughs at me... gay mofo. The other moms saw me fall and were like are you okay. They grabbed my hand but I urged them to let go because one tree falling is better than three. So they did and skated off like pros. See I've never been to a white kids birthday party. Its seems alot better than pizza hut or chucky cheese. The parents seem so pleasent and chipper. So I pass my little sister and she looks me dead in the eye and says " Stop!" I was like damn what I do.

Now they set the kids free and I was like Awwwww Sh*t. More people = More trouble for me. And some of these kids were worse than me falling hard as hell. So I made it around and my little sister was like " Stop, get off, your embarrasing me!" I was like damn what I do, then I thought no one knows we're together, go head about your business, midget. So I made 1 1/2 trips around without falling and was quite proud. So I took a seat and watched everyone else buss they a**es. It was comedy, should have taken pictures but didn't want to be extra.

In closing, let me say this skating thing got's me motivated to learn how to do it... I have a new found respect for white guys with no teeth that slap around a black puck. Also for women who wear skankalicious clothing on the ice and gay men who have a reason to wear glittered clothing in public. Its quite admirable, that junk is hard. But I'm kind of old to be trying something that requires skill like that. If I was in Highschool I would call MTV and be on Made or soemthing because no one expects that. Well that was a good expierement, My ankles are sore as hell too. I'll leave the hockey watching to drunk rednecks and figure skating fans to people who drink coco and wear turtle necks.

Chunk up the deuce.